Moving forward after an offense

“The pendulum has swung too far, and people are just too sensitive these days.” 

As a sensitivity trainer, I hear plenty of jokes about workplace sensitivity. I also hear a lot about the frustrations that come with living in a world where the rules seem to always be changing. And I get it. 

In fact, I happen to agree that we are, as a culture, becoming overly sensitive in some ways. The phenomenon of cancel culture has made many people fearful of what they can and cannot say, especially at their place of work. It’s enough to make people want to give up.

I recently watched a Ted Talk that addresses this problem head-on, and I wanted to share some of the takeaways that I believe we could all benefit from.

Four relationship-strengthening principles 

1. “Resist the temptation to get stuck in the shock of the existence of the offense. Instead, accept the inevitability of offense. Take the time to learn what made that offensive to the person in front of you, and then make every reasonable effort to reduce the likelihood of repeating that offense moving forward.”

2. “Learn to accept the inevitability of ignorance [AKA lack of knowledge] as a temporary state. Turning that accusation into an opportunity to reduce our ignorance by increasing our knowledge and using that knowledge to reduce the likelihood of the next offense moving forward.”

3. “Accept the inevitability of misunderstanding. For even our reasonable intentions can result in unintentionally negative impacts, leading others to feel the need to protect themselves from us as a perceived threat.”

4. “Learn to reassure the hurt person that you are not the threats that they fear that you are.” “Search for opportunities to reassure a hurt person that you are not the threat that they fear that you are.”

“How can you do this? It can start with a verbal acknowledgment of the limitations of your intentions, recognizing that your intent does not always determine your impact. But some of you, even here, may actually resent intentions, but I find that many people don’t actually resent intentions because they actually have an issue with good intentions. But more often because people have received the gift of good intentions being offered instead of what they really need: changed behavior. You can separate yourself from these experiences by making sure that your verbal acknowledgment of reassurance is always followed by a meaningful behavioral change, showing that your commitment is more than just words, but action showing to make their future better than their hurtful past.”

Source:

What to do when you offend someone: Lambers Fisher | TEDxMinneapolis • August 2023